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About Digital Art / Student Premium Member Tobias CornwallMale/United Kingdom Recent Activity
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Sep 16, 2014
3:49 pm
Sep 16, 2014
3:44 pm
Sep 16, 2014
3:14 pm
Sep 16, 2014
1:49 pm
Sep 16, 2014
9:26 am

How many of the people that you watch have you personally interacted with (in comments, etc)? 

37 deviants said Only a few
12 deviants said Some, but less than half
6 deviants said Around half of them
4 deviants said None of them
3 deviants said Most of them
1 deviant said All of them


Journal Entry: Fri Sep 12, 2014, 3:39 PM

Sorry about my last entry!! While I personally love long emotional journals and wish more people wrote them more often, I do understand that they're off-putting to most people...

My life and my mind have been on a steady decline for a long time now, but I've been doing a lot of thinking and reading recently and I'm determined to make big, significant changes. Here's hoping that a year from now, I'll be in a very, very different place. I'm certainly going to make devoted efforts to get to that point.

I don't have much more to say than that; I just wanted to push the other entry into history!

Also, I've been really struggling to draw recently, but I've been trying to get back into that, too. Hopefully I'll be able to actually produce something again soon.

Social Isolation, Abuse, and Suicide

Journal Entry: Mon Sep 8, 2014, 8:04 AM

Isn't that a cheery title? o_O

Uh, hello. I've not posted here in a while, and I feel bad about falling behind with everything (especially the description drawing challenge thing that I started forever ago and which I haven't even drawn my own entry for yet; I haven't forgotten about it though!! I just haven't put tablet pen to virtual paper in weeks)... I'm writing this post to partly explain my absence, but also to address some topics that might be relevant and relatable to other people.

In a nutshell, I was driven almost to suicide recently by a combination of profound social isolation and the malicious actions of someone online who, sadly, is just one in a chain of people who've apparently found pleasure in making my life more difficult.

Lacking friends to turn to for support, I turned inwards and mostly dealt with my problems through meditation and lots and lots of introspection...

I no longer have my finger on Death's doorbell... though I've got a long path ahead of me before I can find happiness, if indeed I can ever get to that point at all.

I did a lot of reading about the things that were affecting me, and I'd like to share some links and quotes and thoughts.

Social Isolation

Firstly, here's a really interesting article about social isolation, and the serious risks that it can cause: Loneliness Can Kill You

As that article says, merely meeting people isn't enough, sadly; if you have only 'empty' interactions with them, if you lack any people you have chemistry or close bonds with, then that's little better than talking to nobody at all. If anything - I say from experience - it can make you feel worse.

It also mentions how as you become increasingly lonely, your mind shifts into a self-preservation mode and becomes socially avoidant; in that state of mind, the thought of interacting with another human becomes inconceivable, or terrifying, and of course that only fuels your loneliness.

Personally this is very much the case for me... I had friends back in school, but I lost everyone and everything that I knew when I moved from Australia back to the UK soon after school ended. I had met a (now ex-)girlfriend here on deviantART and was working on my independent games at the time, so I had no reason to go to any school or get a 'normal job' or anything, and as such ended up spending all my time sitting in my room working on my games and typing text to my girlfriend or the many fans that my games had managed to draw to me. I actually enjoyed this for a while; I've always been very introverted, and the idea of having so much time to be alone and do the things that I wanted to do was very welcome. It's only after several years that it began to take its toll.

These days, I make efforts to approach people online... sometimes. Often I lack the energy, though, because loneliness and depression really drain it out of you. When I do approach people, I don't feel any connection; instead I feel as if we're both in 'politeness mode', and that my particular quirks make it very difficult for me to relate to others. I also tend to fish for understanding by oversharing; I tell the other person too much about myself and it makes them uncomfortable if they can't relate (and how could they?). After which I end up feeling bad about being socially inept and off-putting and run away...

Feeling that you don't fit in seems to be a big reason for social isolation... When everyone around you seems to fit a similar mould and you just don't, every interaction feels hollow. Perhaps you can socialise if you must, but all you get is a feeling of distance and misunderstanding, with undercurrents of "you should be more like me/us and less like you". It's especially tough if, like me, you don't drink, and have no intention or desire to do so. At best, you have to learn to tolerate watching other people do something that you consider disgusting and toxic while somehow not thinking less of them for it... which isn't exactly a situation conducive for the formation of close and meaningful bonds.

Even here on deviantART, where I get the impression that most people are 'outsiders', it's easy for me to feel isolated. Most people have been lucky enough to find similar-minded friends, or partners, and conversations with them often quickly turn to those, and to pity or advice directed at me for my own loneliness. Again, that's not really the kind of soil in which a wonderful tree of love and mutual respect and understanding will, uh... flourish. Or something.

I also have difficulty talking to people who show an interest in me for reasons I'll cover now...

Toxic People

I've designed, built and run several community websites over the years, which have attracted thousands of people... Managing this many people has taken its toll. Even if every 99 people are nice, supportive, and polite, it's the 1% who are toxic trolls who really stick in your mind. Especially when their damage extends beyond mere nasty words; it's one thing to shrug off the abuse of some passerby, but quite another when you're frantically locking all your doors and barring all your windows to prevent some raging lunatic from smashing their way into your house and burning all your possessions... or trying to seal any security holes in your site to prevent some script kiddie from bringing it to its knees.

I imagine it's similar if you work in retail or a call centre; even if most of your customers are nice and pleasant, it's probably the abusive ones who'll stick in your mind and make you think that your job is hell.

This kind of wounding can lead to bitterness that makes you struggle to make any positive connections, since you've had so many experiences with negative ones that you assume that any others will only turn out the same...

I've done a lot of learning about personality types and such over the years largely in order to understand how malicious peoples' minds work... Something that happened to me recently rekindled my desire to do so.

After my gaming community site became too much for me to bear (while most people were fine, the few who weren't were the ones who - unfairly - shaped my opinion of the place), I designed a site called Soultome which was meant as a place of healing; somewhere where sensitive, introverted people could write about their problems and be met with understanding and support in a way that they might not be in the wider world. It was named to contrast with Facebook; while that place seems to be about cultivating a facade based around the richness of your social life and the things that you do, an outward 'face' (and as such talking about your loneliness or problems might be seen as a big taboo), my site was instead meant to focus inwardly, on what's honestly going on in your mind or heart, your soul. That way, even people who - like myself - have no Life to speak of could still write about whatever they're feeling or thinking without worrying about being mocked or attacked.

It worked quite well for a while... But sadly the dark minority spoiled it for me yet again. I won't go into too much detail, but basically someone bought the domain name I wanted to get for the site, created a fake account to play with my feelings, and other things, all apparently to hurt me, and, well, it was devastating.

To make sense of how a mind like that could work - blazenly lying without any apparent remorse, etc - I started reading about traits such as the dark triad: Machiavellianism, narcissism and psychopathy. It's also sometimes called the 'dark tetrad', with sadism included as a fourth characteristic. There seems to be a strong correlation between these traits and trolling, and I imagine that the abusers in many unhealthy relationships have at least some of them too.

Psychopaths in particular are dangerous, since far from being mad axe-wielding maniacs who you can recognise at a glance, many are charming, friendly, and funny at first; very socially savvy because they tell people exactly what they want to hear. Many become charismatic leader figures who others are happy - even eager - to share their secrets with. It's only once they've wormed their way into someone's life - once they've collected ammunition for blackmail and manipulation - that they become emotional vampires, draining away the other person's sanity until they're a broken husk of their former self.

An effective way to deal with such people is to simply stop giving them the emotional reactions that they feed on, at which point they move on to someone more 'fun'... but this is easier said than done if you find yourself in a long-term relationship with such a person, or happen to work with one or be related to them in some way. Or when they hold something that has some kind of power over you...

All of these things combined make life difficult to continue living for me personally. I have no friends, but it's so hard to find any when connections all seem hollow and a history of bad encounters leaves me bracing myself for more of the same, or avoiding things completely. The more I isolate myself, the worse my social skills get, making connections even more difficult to form. It's very much a slippery slope; a pit with muddy walls that's so, so hard to get out of once you're in.

I saw a doctor on Friday about getting some professional help, but that can only help so much. I saw a therapist for a long while in the past, and while my meetings with her eventually made my panic attacks stop and gave me the confidence to go to university again (where I hoped to meet people... and failed, so I probably won't return for the second year), the biggest problem has always been "where do I *go* to find people?!?"

Most people meet others at school or work, or through connections found through people met through those... but since I have neither to go to, and I have zero existing connections, it's so hard to get started. Online seems the best course of action, and I do intend to keep trying, but it's made difficult by all the reasons I mentioned above. And even then text-on-a-screen interactions seem so hollow compared to talking to someone in the flesh.

I've tried going to 'groups and clubs', but my experiences weren't entirely dissimilar to those of the author of that article I linked to; I had only empty interactions. I don't think that meaningful friendships can be 'forced' like that; they work best when formed naturally over a shared passion in a shared environment...

Anyway. I don't know what I'll personally do, but I suppose I can at least try to raise awareness about these issues, since I know that I've felt better by understanding that I'm not alone, and by understanding things better. Hopefully someone might have got something out of this, anyway.

Journal History


Tobias Cornwall
Artist | Student | Digital Art
United Kingdom
I love reading long bios on people's profiles, so this may be quite long!

My Work

I've been working as an independent games developer for a few years, specialising in RPGs made in Flash. I do all the work on them myself: the art, code, writing, and music, and I probably go overboard with all of those things! Some of my games were moderately successful a few years ago; two of them got daily deviations and everything! Wow, gasp! I just know you'll be impressed by my pair of DDs. I don't mind if you stare.

It's a very isolating path to follow, though, working on games alone from home, and I haven't finished a game in a while because of this loneliness... I'm hoping to get an RPG of sorts released on Steam soon, though. That might be exciting.

I'm currently doing a games art course at some kind of university, to get out of the house as much as anything, though I've been rather unsuccessful at finding friends here! Sad!

I've always been into fantasy art, particularly dragons, though I've been getting into drawing humans recently. I really like expressive, emotional pieces and strongly stylised styles! Art is likely to remain a hobby for me, though I do use my art skills - such as they are - to make the graphics for my games.

My Personality

I'd describe myself as introverted, sensitive, and empathetic; I feel what you feel, and I hate to hurt. I've gone through life feeling 'different' from others when it comes to core values... but I love finding those rare people I can relate to on a deep and meaningful level!

I currently have only online acquaintances and no close friends, and I lost all my in-person friends when moving country a few years ago (and met none while making games from home, because how would I?), so I'm sort of on the lookout for people I can form meaningful and entertaining bonds with! I've met some wonderful people on this site in the past, so I really hope that I can do so again! I feel rather rusty when it comes to talking to others, though, so sorry if I'm awkward at first!

I particularly like lending an empathetic ear to people who want someone to talk about their worries with, as I know how it is to want someone to talk to in a deeper way like that and get understanding and support in return. I've had difficulties with anxiety, depression and loneliness in the past - indeed, they still plague me at least somewhat - so I'd be particularly able to relate to concerns like that.

I'm single, and really wish this wasn't so but have no idea how I'd ever possibly meet anyone! It's terrifying, quite frankly!

The silly INFJ ~ EII ~ 4w5-5w4-9w1 Sx/So thing I have below my name up there is my PERSONALITY TYPES. I'm somewhat obsessed with those personality type system things, because I love learning more about why people do the things they do, and why people don't act the same way as myself. Discovering them was really enlightening!

I'm actually working on a website about personality types, which you can see here if you're curious:

A brief summary:

:bulletblue: INFJ - Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging: I am introverted, and am drained by interactions but really seek deep bonds. I'm intuitive, which means I focus more on abstract concepts and fantasies over real-life practical things. I'm 'feeling', which means that I value emotions, understanding and support over cold logic, facts, or blunt problem-solving. The 'judging' bit is harder to explain, but it basically means I tend to prefer planning rather than spontaneity.

:bulletblue: EII - Ethical Intuitive Introvert: This is similar to INFJ, but it means that I specifically love to talk about personal things on a deeper level, and I'm always seeking them out. I share my own thoughts and feelings and love doing the same with others, getting to know them at their core. However, I tend to assess whether or not I may be 'compatible' with someone when I talk to them, and the idea of talking at length with someone very unlike me worries me due to a fear of conflict.

:bulletblue: 4w5 - Enneatype 4 is all about feeling different from others. They are emotionally sensitive, they see beauty in melancholy, and they worry a lot about the things that set them apart from others. It isn't a case of being a 'special snowflake'; rather, it's a worry about being unable to genuinely connect on a deep and meaningful level. They are also very open and honest about their feelings and weaknesses rather than trying to seem better or more enigmatic than they are. 4w5 means a type 4 with traits of type 5, described below.

:bulletblue: 5w4 - Enneatype 5 is all about concerns with competence. Type 5s retreat away from the world to work on their skills, feeling that they can only face the world when they master a specific ability. They tend to be introverted observers rather than active participants, and have an intellectual vibe about them.

:bulletblue: 9w1 - Enneatype 9 seeks peace and calmness, avoiding conflict; they hate to be a bother to others. Type 1 is very moral and responsible; perfectionistic, even. 9w1 combines traits of the two.

:bulletblue: Sx/So - This basically means that I value, look for, think about and worry about intense intimacy, and how other people feel about me, rather than about being safe or comfortable. As such, I bare my heart freely in the hope that someone will think "I can relate to that!" and approach me, from which an intense relationship might blossom, rather than being guarded and secretive in order to avoid harm.

Hopefully that's not all just confusing and annoying!

Things I like or don't!

I make and like games, mostly RPGs! Here is a list of some of my favourites:

• Final Fantasy
• Pokemon
• The Legend of Zelda
• Ni No Kuni
• Journey
• Chrono Trigger
• Neverwinter Nights
• Earthbound and MOTHER 3
• Xenoblade Chronicles
• The Last Story
• Tales of the Abyss
• Eternal Sonata
• Mario & Luigi series
• Jade Cocoon
• Okami
• Spyro (original trilogy)
• Ristar
• Super Mario World
• Abe's Oddysee and Exoddus
• Vagrant Story
• Monster Rancher 2
• Shadow of the Colossus
• Knytt

I don't like shooters and other dark and gritty violent things, however!

In general, I really like 'soft' and sensitive people; kindness, empathy, things like that. I like people who care!

I don't like aggression and apathy, however; people who don't care, or who hurt others for fun. Many things stem from this; I don't like guns, violence, or horror, for example. I also don't drink, smoke or do drugs... though I wish it were easier to find others who don't either! We seem to be so rare!

Mr Custom

Greetings. I'm a box! Enjoy your stay. I know I will, if you know what I mean! Ha ha ha! Oh, I'm such a jester. I should become an official jester, you know... my mother always tried to discourage me, saying "Mr Custom, you won't be a good jester, because you don't have the face for it! They'll throw roasted rotten eggs at you at speeds like those of bullets from a gun!" Silly woman. She's dead now, though. Or was she never alive? Oh, I'm probably just lying to myself to make it seem as if I'm more important than I really am. I know you're ignoring me though. You're not here to look at some insignificant BOX, surely! Bah! Fine! Go on then, leave me here, to simmer in my loneliness! I doubt you'd ask ME out on a DATE. My muscles aren't nearly large enough, since I'm a box! We're not well-known in most parts of the world for our ability to do heavy lifting and other athletic things! Gods, I'm so depressed.

Anyway, enjoy your stay, visitor. It's my pleasure to greet you. ^_^

A tome of souls!!


Add a Comment:
Moonshard123 Featured By Owner 2 hours ago
Hello! I don't commonly comment, but I stumbled upon a page that gives examples of characters in movies and shows that have different Myers Briggs personalities-  I thought it would be something you'd enjoy looking at. I didn't know all of the names on the list in my category (ENFJ), but the ones I recognized seemed to fit pretty well.!…

Anyway, have a great week- don't forget that you're loved!
maldecidor Featured By Owner 6 days ago
Your species of humans and creatures are, simplely fantastic and awesome, sooooo...bah, not complicated me ¡WATCHED¡
LleNelleBelle Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Hi Pseudo, I find psychology to be interesting. I took the personality test at school and came out INFP 5w4, 9w1, 4w5. I find it interesting that ours are quite similar. Yet, I realize there are big differences. (Sorry, tried making this brief and to the point. I tend to make things long.)
Pseudolonewolf Featured By Owner 6 days ago  Student Digital Artist
Hello! Sorry for taking, uh... almost three weeks to reply!
I'm always happy to meet people interested in these personality type things! Especially those who have types similar to my own. I'd love to hear your thoughts on your own types, and whether learning them has affected the way you see yourself and others in any way, things like that!
Also, I personally really like long messages, since I tend to ramble myself!
Superlion123 Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
thank you very much for the llama!

hope you have an awesome day!
Icarus-Skollsun Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2014  Student Digital Artist
Thanks a lot for the fav' ! Kano Shuuya (Happy) [V7]
Your gallery is awesome by the way !!! *v*
Pseudolonewolf Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2014  Student Digital Artist
Thank you! I've seen a few of your pieces in various OC groups, and I'm always impressed by the super-clean lineart, flowing lines, expertly-chosen colours and expressive faces!
Icarus-Skollsun Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2014  Student Digital Artist
Awww, thank you ! I'm so happy to hear that ! Thank you very much ! Junko Enoshima (Kawaii Blush) [V5]
Shy-Waifu Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks for the :+fav:! <:
MorningAfterWolf Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2014  Professional Writer
Thank you for visiting my page! :)
SquigyButt Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2014  Student Digital Artist
I really enjoy your work ^^
Can't wait to see future work from you!
NinShroom Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Do you ever participate in any art contests of any sort? 
VoxDimange Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2014
Good Day (or night, whichever).
A while back you said you were looking for an internet community. I recently joined the Giant in the Playground forums (affectionately known as The Playground). Although it is nominally a D'n'D based forums, many members (including myself) are not roleplayers, so don't be worried about that.

It may or may not be a place for you: on one hand, the Playgrounders are very supportive -- there's even a long-running thread devoted to people's personal issues, the boards are very strict on abuse and bad language, and although not a majority there's a sizable female presence; on the other (usually good-natured) arguments are frequent, and there's also occasionally a surfacing of shocking elitism (steer clear of any "could X beat Y?" threads).
With that ominous warning out of the way, I think you should at least take a look at it as it is a very nice place; probably the best example is this wonderful thread:…

Something to try to do outside is Equine Assisted Therapy. In essence, it is looking after horses to help deal with shyness, anger issues and other antisocial behaviour and I have seen some very good effects. It's a lot easier to deal with a horse than a person as they don't speak, are trained to work with humans (effectiveness varies depending on the horse, but all riding schools will have some docile horses) and are sensitive animals. It's also a mostly female industry.

It will involve physical labour, having to deal with large animals as well as members of the public (or worse, dedicated horse people 0_0).
If you are seeing a therapist (something you mentioned a while ago) you could ask them what they think or to arrange it for you. Many yards offer work experience or accept volunteers, but unless you live in South London, I can't recommend any for you.

I hope that these are of help to you, and if there's something you want to know about anything here, I am willing to listen.
Suasite Featured By Owner May 29, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Hi there!

I wanted to remind you of the little project you had taken part in.


Do you remember that group, where we gave you the opertunity to have full page lenght feature of just yourself? And even better! Where you could get a tons of comments?

Unfortinetly you have missed few recent features... Well we want to give you your last chance before all your previous raffles are gone! Here is this weeks feature:
Please don't miss it!

The crew of FeatureMyWork
longdefender Featured By Owner May 27, 2014
Hey, Pseudo. I saw this thread on 4chan talking about your webcomic, Catharsis. I looked at it and they said you only made a few, and people on the thread were criticising Catharsis because of that. Maybe you could go to the thread and tell them why you stopped or what plans you have for it?
FeyDrake Featured By Owner May 21, 2014  Student General Artist
Just letting you know, I haven't ignored your comment or our conversation, I've been going through some stress lately and haven't really done much of ANYTHING. x.x So please don't think I forgot about you or that I don't want to talk. D: *hugs* I've just needed some personal time for myself. 

Hope you're alright!
Pseudolonewolf Featured By Owner May 21, 2014  Student Digital Artist
That's understandable, and thanks for telling me! I'd assumed that I might have just scared you off, which has happened when I've approached socially anxious people in the past, or when people have approached me; I'd often just run away completely or take weeks to reply to things! I do appreciate you telling me this though!

It's upsetting to hear that you've been going through hard times! D:
I have been myself, actually, and I've been lagging behind with doing anything because of it also!
If you need someone to talk to, I'd be willing to listen and lend my support, but maybe you already have people for that! Whatever the case may be, I suppose we can talk more when we're both in a better state to be doing that!

I hope that you can get to a place where you feel better...!
snowywolf7 Featured By Owner May 10, 2014  Student Writer
I would like to be friends with you but is it okay that I'm a Christian? :)
Hidden by Owner
totally-espionne Featured By Owner May 14, 2014
I don't mean to intrude, but this kind of comment is much better suited for a private means of communication, like a note. Obviously I don't know everything about him (nor am I acquainted with the incidents you mentioned), but I do know he makes great games and seems to be a funny, awesome person from what I can tell. Everything you just said is solely your opinion, and while you are obviously free to voice it, it's really in poor taste to put it out in a place where everyone can see it. I mean, how would you feel if somebody came and wrote a less-than-nice comment about you on your own page just the way you did?

Hidden by Owner
snowywolf7 Featured By Owner May 14, 2014  Student Writer
I see. Thanks for telling me. :)
Hidden by Owner
totally-espionne Featured By Owner May 8, 2014
Just wanted to let you know that I finally beat MARDEK 3 (including both superbosses and everything), and I would like to truly thank you for making such a great game. Everything about it was incredibly well done, not to mention addicting! Please do let me know if there is ever going to be a MARDEK 4, because you can bet I'll be one of the first ones to play it! :)

Axcido Featured By Owner May 7, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I love your art... marry me!♥
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