Are you sick of these yet?!

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I should be working on MARDEK right now. That's my game. In case you don't know. But if you don't, you probably don't care anyway!! But am I?! Working on it, that is. No, because it's time for some more self-indulgent questionnaire filling in!! Probably with exactly the same off-putting broken-record answers I write for all of them! Hooray!! NOW LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED BOYOS. Or whatever.

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1. This meme may be personal. You ready for it?
I am quaking in the boots that I'm not wearing, since I'm usually so averse to talking about personal things!! I mean, I NEVER write multiple journals a week about them!!

2. If you married the last person you texted, what would your last name be?
You young, socially connected people and your texting. I've still never texted anyone. What an alien I am.

3. Were you happy when you woke up today?
No... I usually wake up miserable then go to bed feeling much happier, only for the cycle to continue once again. It didn't help that I woke up from a dream about my long-gone ex-girlfriend... who'll probably be mentioned several times in this thing, which would probably annoy her if she were watching, which she most likely isn't.

4. When were you on the phone last? And with who?
Hmm... I think it was something about arranging to see someone who'd be paid to smile politely as I vomit my issues all over them for cathartic relief. You know, a counsellor. Aren't I the coolest?

5. What are you excited for?
Pokemon Omega Ruby?! Or, uh... Mostly I feel a deep and overpowering fear about the future, and the loneliness thereof.

6. What were you doing yesterday?
Probably wallowing in misery rather than doing the work I needed to do. Sigh.

7. Honestly, who was the last person to tell you they love you?
Aforementioned ex-girlfriend, several years ago.

8. What's the last thing you put in your mouth?
SOME GUY'S P-

9. Have a best friend?
I don't have any friends! D:

10. Are you scared to fall in love?
It's the thing I want most of all in the whole wide world, and yet I'm terrified that I'd only let the other person down... again. That I'd be too difficult and so on. "Maybe I don't even deserve love", and such.

11. Do you think teenagers can be in love?
I used to think NO because I was jealous of those who had partners while I never did... but looking back, I think that there's a certain kind of innocence that might lead to an even stronger love than a jaded adult. You wouldn't have the long history of pain and disappointments... just a naive glee about being able to connect to someone on that kind of level. I do think some teenagers just get 'love' because society tells them they should, though, or to show off, and that's meaningless...

12. Last person you wanted to punch in the face?
I wouldn't hurt a fly!

13. What time is it right this second?
1:11 pm. Interesting, that.

14. What do you want right now?
Someone to love and to hold... Sigh.

15. Who was the last person you took a picture with?
I have taken as many photos with friends as I have texted them; that is, zero times. What an alien I am!!!

16. Are you single/taken/heartbroken/or confused?
Terrifyingly single, and off-puttingly desperate and obsessed by that fact. You earn love through pity, right? Right?!?! I wish I'd shut up about it, but it consumes most of my thoughts.

17. When was the last time you cried?
After I last saw that ex-girlfriend. I've been TOO SAD TO CRY since then!!

18. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?
I can talk relatively easily with my mother like the cool, well-adjusted 26-year-old man that I am, but I haven't seen my father in over a decade. I avoid my step-dad.

19. Do you find it hard to trust others?
I spill my heart out to anyone... but I'm extremely reluctant to enter into friendships with people I don't know enough about - or who I fear may function differently to me, mentally - because I worry about conflict. About being given criticism and advice. Or of not knowing what to talk about. Being trolled many times in the past doesn't help.

20. How fast does your mind change?
I'm paralysed by indecision most of the time!!

21. I bet you miss somebody right now.
It may surprise you to hear, O apparently sentient questionnaire thing, that I miss my ex-girlfriend. I bet you're floored by that startling revelation. Positively piddling in your pretty pantaloons.

22. Can you honestly say you're okay right now?
Why don't you guess?! The answer isn't "oh golly, absolutely, yessiree!!"

23. Why do you think so many people cheat?
Because few people truly *care*!! Or that's how it seems to me, anyway.

24. Tell me what's on your mind?
Guilt about the past. Uncertainty and crippling fear about the future. Despair about the present. My loneliness. The hopelessness of finding a partner. How would I? Maybe I'll live a lonely life of abject isolation, cut short by a noose. Nobody should have to go through this. And yet here I am. Maybe I deserve it though. And so on.

25. What are you looking forward to in the next three months?
I'd like to at least trying and finish and release the first installment of MARDEK. It shouldn't take THAT long. Then perhaps it'll draw people to me... and maybe some will be pretty fangirls who'll throw their bras at me and demand - INSIST ON - naked cuddles and meaningful soul-sharing?! Even though I know it'll just be a bunch of teenage boys and trolls, giving me blunt and tactless commands about what to change, or forthrightly telling me which bits they hate. SIGH. 

26. Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing?
Gah! I wish I'd tried that while I had the chance!!

27. When did you last talk to your number 1 top friend?
I don't have any friends!!!! YOU KEEP REMINDING ME OF THIS!!1!1 ;_;

28. When is your next road trip?
The same date as the last one, which is 'never'.

29. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell anything to?
It's the one thing I want most of all, but which seems so completely elusive at this point. I suppose I blather on about my inner world for everyone to hear - in things like this - because I don't have someone who'll be a dear and absorb it all in private.

30. How's your heart?
Longing to be shared with someone special!! Can you tell that I'm obsessed?!?

31. Have you ever felt like you weren't important?
Not as such, though I feel like I'm not important *enough*, in the grand scheme of things. I fantasise about changing the world, affecting humanity as a whole... I suppose I long for that kind of renown because I don't have the kind of close, intimate friendships that really matter, and I hope that if I become a saviour of the world, maybe someone will love me. Sigh!!

32. Do you think somebody's in love with you?
If they were, I wouldn't have had to write that last thing. Nobody ever shows any interest.

33. What are you planning on doing after this?
Getting back to work... hopefully. If I can ignore the mental storm for even a moment.

34. Next time you will kiss someone?
Let me just consult my SNOGGING SCHEDULE... Ah yes. It seems that on Friday, at 7:41pm, in a ditch next to that brothel, I will tongue-wrestle most passionately with Ol' Grub-Infested Pete. Goodness.
By which I mean "PROBABLY NEVER!!! ;_;"

35. Have you told anybody you loved them today?
Who would I tell? Also, I only woke up like two hours ago.

36. Who do you not get along with?
I struggle to get along with most people, hence the 'no friends' thing. It's not that I'm unable to do so, but that when I sense there's no potential for some deep and meaningful bond, I just... give up and keep searching. If I could change that, maybe I'd be a lot happier. But it's far from easy.

37. What does your 3rd recent text say?
It says "HEY SNSHAINE LTES GET 3GETHIAR 5 SUMB ACKSON XXXXX". It's from my step-dad.
Also, YOU CRAZY KIDS AND YOUR TEXTS!!!

38. What are you wearing right now?
Nothing other than a couple of live spiders taped to my nipples, and a frown. Oh, wait, that's not true. One live spider and one corpse of a spider. Oh baby.

39. You're locked in a room with the person you last kissed, how is it?
I think that I would like this a whole lot more than she would. I'd probably apologise profusely for any harm I've caused in a desperate attempt at redemption, but then I'd probably be consumed by frustrating despair knowing that I couldn't lay a finger on her because she's with someone else now.

40. When's the last time you had a grilled cheese?
What a bizarre question.

41. What's your favorite boy and girl name right now?
I think I will call the children I will never have "Humphrey" and "Girlberry". They will be the talk of the town!! The class King and Queen!! Then I will chide them for their regal incest. Oh my.

42. How did you feel when you woke up?
Considering what I dreamed about, NOT CHIPPER AND CHEERY. Many SIGHs and such. Hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless. Maybe I'll die alone. I'LL NEVER FIND ANYONE AND-

43. Do you wish someone would call or text you right now?
Considering that nobody ever does or ever has, I'd be alarmed and would probably assume it was something awful.

44. Do you crack your knuckles?
No, but I love to drag red echidnas through my-

45. What were you doing yesterday at midnight?
UHHH... Listening to music I'd composed years ago, I think. Wistfully. Thinking of the skills I have and how I can make many things... EXCEPT FRIENDS!! ;_;

46. What are your LEGAL initials?
How dare you ask this!! Also, I don't understand the question!! How DARE you!!

47. Who's the first B in your contacts?
This question seems to imply that everyone has so many connections that they're bound to have multiple people starting with a B... Sigh. Yet another reminder of how absolutely isolated I am! Due to my own inner mental barriers, of course.

48. When was the last time you laughed really hard?
It's hard to remember positive memories when your mind is clouded by darkness. True fact, that. Look it up if you don't believe me. Go on!!!

49. Your number 1 top friend walks out of your life, do you go after them?
She did - she being that ex-girlfriend - but for entirely understandable reasons. I didn't pursue her; instead I just dwell on it too much, years after the fact, rather than moving on like she did. Then I embarrassingly go on about it in public like this, probably ensuring that I'll stay single. Hmm.

50. Explain your last awkward moment?
Every moment is awkward for me!!

51. Are you afraid of the dark?
It's only in the last couple of years that I've been less bothered by it.

52. Do you have good vision?
I wear glasses like the NERD that I am.

53. Have you ever tripped someone?
Questions like this make me wonder about the mind of the one who wrote this.

54. Have you ever slapped someone?
Whenever I meet a new person, I give them a good, hard, firm slap on their buttocks, regardless of their age, sex, or who else is around. Why don't I have any friends?! ;_;

55. Are you Irish?
No, I'm 100% English.

56. Do you use chap stick?
No, I'd much rather rub my lips against a chap's-

57. Do you have any scars?
-tick. His pet tick. Those blood-sucking parasites are just sooo cute! I'd love to give one a wickle kissy-wissy! Also, no, I have no scars. Oh, except the huge sword-shaped one that cuts directly across my face, in such a way as to make me look cooler without deforming my rugged good looks. Also, that's a complete lie. It's shaped like a DAGGER, not a sword.

58. Is there someone you will never forgive?
One of my many, many crippling flaws in the fact that once I decide that a person isn't someone I want to talk to, nothing they can do can make up for that impression... Again, maybe I'd be much happier if my mind didn't work this way. I wouldn't do this with someone I was already friends with, but there's nobody in that category at the moment.

59. Are you dating the person you last held hands with?
I was, but - surprise!! - she was my ex-girlfriend and, well.

60. Name the last person to text you.
This again! It's like an obsession for you people!!

61. Would you marry someone 8 years older than you?
I'm sort of hoping that a girl 8 years younger than me might be romantically interested in me, just because it seems like every young woman in her mid-twenties already has someone, so I have to aim for the younger ones who don't. Also, that probably sounds EXTREMELY creepy. I just know that everything I'm writing here is making the ladies all swoon with admiration and not cringe in patronising disgust!!

62. Can you go in public looking like you do?
I RELISH the stares and shouts of abuse that my third arm gets.

63. Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with a J?
geez, man, i dunno. i dont even know the names of half the people ive kissed.
By which I mean that since Jesus loves us all, and I've taken him up on that rather carnally, uh... Actually, you know, I bet my relentless sex jokes really are off-putting. Pfft! That's what years of unwanted celibacy do to a disintegrating mind, I suppose.

64. What side of the bed do you sleep on?
How many sides does a one-dimensional line have? HUH??

65. What's the first thing you'll do on your wedding day?
Weep with fear, probably. The idea of some formal ceremony scares me!! I hope that if I ever do find someone to love, that they won't be hoping for something like that.

66. Do you fall for people easily?
It's black or white, usually... Either there's obvious chemistry, or there's not. I can only think of a couple of people I've become deeply interested in, though.

67. Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 5 days?
Nobody has put their arms around me in the last three or four YEARS.

68. Do you miss the way things used to be?
Constantly. I live in the past because I have no present or future. Either I dwell in the innocence of my childhood, or I remember how nice it was to be loved... and then end up tearing myself apart because of how I messed up that chance. By which I mean, uh... something funny. Yes.

69. Song you're thinking of right now?
"My Other Mother is my Brother", by the Gender Benders. That's totally a real thing, I think.

70. Want someone back in your life?
Three guesses!! Well... I mean, I fantasise about having my ex-girlfriend back, but I wouldn't want it to REALLY happen because she's definitely better off without me. And she's moved on, completely, anyway. So what I want and what would be a good idea aren't the same thing here.

71. Will tomorrow be better than today?
The road ahead looks dark as far as I can see. I see no glimmer of light. Thorns, perhaps, but no light.

72. What's your favorite color?
Octarine!! Dur hur hur!!

73. Who was the first friend that you had?
My younger brother and I used to be best friends before we stopped talking entirely. I can't really remember who I used to spend time with other than him...

74. Does it bother you when someone lies to you?
Who ISN'T bothered by being lied to?

75. Is there anyone who understands your relationship status?
It's not exactly a mystery if I talk about it all the time!!

76. Are you a naturally happy person? Or is your happiness forced?
I'm a grouchy miserable negative dismal horrible melancholy pessimist. Please try to contain your excitement, ladies.

77. Is there anyone you wish would fall in love with you?
SUPERMAN SO THEN WE COULD FLY AROUND AND HE HAS BIG MUSCLES AND WE'D KISS UPSIDE DOWN OR WAS THAT SPIDER-MAN I DON'T KNOW ANYWAY SUPERMAN IS A SUPER MAN I BET HE'S GOOD IN THE SACK.
Or, uh... I want to find someone and, uh... oh, you're probably tired by now, if you even read this, whoever you are!! Apologies for wasting your time!!

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