I'm lonely and I run away!!

I struggle to find friends, which is largely because I'm picky about what I actually want (someone to have empathetic conversations about feelings with, who is not male because of the overwhelming gender imbalance in my life), but ALSO because I struggle to make the effort to form connections even when the opportunity comes up.

It's ridiculous, and annoying! Even if someone contacts me or I get to the point where I add someone on Skype or something, I seem to just run away because I don't feel that I'd be good enough. Like I feel that my loneliness and the miserableness that it creates would just make me some kind of burden to anyone stuck talking to me. I wouldn't want to drag them down, but I feel like I'm weighed down so heavily myself that it'd be hard to flutter up to a point where I could be all 'fun' and amusing and such. I used to be able to do that so much more easily than I can now.

I also seem to go days without commenting on anything, and I take ages to reply to things, if I reply at all, because my DESPAIR saps me of the energy to really do anything, and fills me with doubts about my wording.

It's a vicious cycle! I'm lonely, which makes me sad, which makes me no fun, which makes it hard to find friends, which keeps me lonely, which keeps me sad, and I don't really see any easy way out of this.

I am at least trying, but it's so hard when I lack someone similarly sensitive and understanding that I can turn to...

Anyway, yes. I write things like this all the time, I realise, but I suppose writing things does at least help somewhat. Maybe.